Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
