I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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