is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
