I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
