Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
