she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
