Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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