I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
