Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
