I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize