I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
