She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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