Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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