update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize