I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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