I wish they made helmets for livers.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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