I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
