I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
