May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
