my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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