You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
