I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
