Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
