Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
