Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
