the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
