I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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