my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
