dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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