so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
