On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
