I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
