You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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