Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
