I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
