I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
