Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Every concussion has its silver lining
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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