Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
