fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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