Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
