Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
