I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize