found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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