I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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