I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
