I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
