I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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