you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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