Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
