my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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