a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
