Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
