I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
