my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize