Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
