rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i think my mom watched the whole time
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So many bounce houses so little time
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
