I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
