I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
