am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she smelled like a LAN party
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
