Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
