I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
