So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
