I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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