Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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