FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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