My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
