planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
