i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
