i will never coherently bang her
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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